How To Not End Up Divorced In The First 6 Months Of Your Child's Life

It’s so exciting to reach the 6 month mark with your little one, but it is also a pivotal point where you reflect on what has occurred (both good and bad) in the last 6 months! Thus, several posts may be popping up on the lessons I have learned (see cloth diapering post here).

Let me start by being brutally honest when it comes to the first 6 months of your first child’s life and your marriage, both will have CHALLENGING MOMENTS!  During these times, I am sure at least one of us thought about the D-word (divorce) although neither of us ever said it. I know that I had many moments where I kept thinking, “I can’t do this.” But do this, I did.

Maybe you are reading this and you didn’t experience any conflict with your spouse, if so, please share your insight with me! For all the rest of us out there, you have been warned, conflict WILL occur! 

NOTE: As you read my tips, you may feel like this post is more about YOU than about your marriage. I have learned that, in most cases, we need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves in order to take better care of our relationships (see here as well)! 


So, without further ado, here are some tips that I have found that may help you during this time:

.   Realize you are not alone. It takes TWO!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You will not be the only one thinking your marriage is being challenged. In fact, you will probably be thinking every aspect of your life is being challenged during the first six months of your little one’s life. This includes finances, sleep, eating routine, household chores, showering, friends/family time, need I go on?!?!?
As I go through challenging moments with my relationship as we learn to raise a child, I can’t help but think of the movie: Save the Last Dance. Do you know what I am talking about?!?!? Well, there is a scene where Kenny and Chenille (teen parents together) are talking and it goes like this:
Kenny: “Don't blame me; I didn't want any of this!”
Chenille: “What? 'Cause I did? I climbed on top of myself and got myself pregnant?”
When I get frustrated, I always laugh as I think about this scene. Reminder: It took the BOTH of you to create this child.
Please keep in mind it is normal to experience stress (marital or any other kind) during this time. Also, I had to remind myself that, just as I was stressed so was my husband. His reasons for stress and what stress looks like for him have a tendency to look very different than my reasons.

2. Realize you BOTH are running on ZERO Energy Levels.

Maybe it is just me, but I had a tendency to say things like, “well I have been up all night so I shouldn’t have to (FILL IN THE BLANK).” It took me awhile to realize that just because I was getting up all night with our little one didn’t mean my husband was getting quality sleep. In fact, I noticed him many times tossing and turning. He also woke up most of the times that I got up. He just got the luxury of staying in the nice warm bed!

In his defense, he also was maintaining a full-time job with our newborn while I enjoyed the luxury of getting a little more than 12 weeks at home to adjust. Again, bear in mind, you both are most likely having the same feelings for different reasons!

3. You BOTH also had a shock to the system.

Let’s face it, no matter how much you know that you won’t be getting very much sleep you CANNOT prepare for the shock to the system that your body will go through when your child is born. Think about the last all-nighter you pulled and multiply that by a few months, without the sleeping all day on the couch to make up for it! Yep, you got it! Not to mention, you are at someone’s beck and call. This can be especially challenging for both parents! Give yourself some slack, you are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you!

4.   Sleep is a good thing.

This is common sense, I think?!?! Actually sleeping is much trickier to do in this situation. Babies have their own schedule and pay little to no attention to the social norms of day/night schedules.

If you are like me, when you do get a window to sleep, you will have trouble shutting your mind down. List after list will be created during quiet, free moments. If you are like my husband, you will get so used to a “stay awake always” routine that you can’t fall asleep.

I must say that getting some extra sleep makes a huge difference. If someone is willing to get up with your little for one night, TAKE it! Even if you end up getting up, like I typically did, I found that I slept so much better just knowing everything didn’t fall on my shoulders! So go lay down with your hubby for a bit, even just a “rest” can help you feel better prepared to take on that next diaper change!

When you don’t have the extra help, find a balancing system for both of you to have time to sleep. This may mean one of you naps more during the day while the other one gets the luxury of a full nights sleep!

5. Making time to be together 1:1 is a great thing!

Okay, I admit it, I started going to bed at the same time our little one went to bed. That was typically between 7:30 and 8:30PM, but by that time I was EXHAUSTED. Plus, she normally was back up between 2 and 4AM. Therefore, I felt justified. After about a week of this, I realized I wasn’t really seeing my husband at all. 

I know I just said sleep is a good thing, but spending time with your significant other, just the two of you, is also essential. You are going to have to make priorities and some nights, sleep just has to come second! What about doing something special together for even a half hour after your little one goes to bed? My husband and I sometimes have a glass of wine together and just talk for a few minutes.

6. Write down what you love about your significant other.

Think about and write down what attracted you to your significant other. Also, write down what they are really good at when they are with your new child. Now, put this where you can see it every day! Look at it every day. Read it every day! It will help you to keep a positive perspective on your significant other.

7.  Change Environments Regularly.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but I can tell you that it becomes way too easy to NOT leave the house. My husband took 3 weeks FMLA leave when our little one was born while I took just over 3 months FMLA leave. This time flew by and we spent probably 90% of the time at home. That is a long period of time at home!

Boredom, stir-craziness, depression are just a few effects on a human body that can be caused by sitting in one spot for too long. Get up and move around. Take your baby outside, go get groceries, drive around for a few minutes. Make sure you are changing your environment together! I found that even opening the curtains and windows for a few minutes each day, turning of the television, and playing music for my little one was also a good, quick change of scenery we all enjoyed. 

9.                        Find good family moments.

In the chaos of all the emotions you and your hubby will be feeling, there are soooo many GOOD moments! Take time to note these special moments. For me, the best moments were when we were all (my husband, dogs, baby, and I) together having tummy time with baby on the floor. Such sweet moments! Enjoy those moments wholeheartedly. DON’T think about anything else. Just focus on these special times.

10.                  Remember those family moments frequently.

See 9. Keep those moments in your mind all the time! Think about them constantly! It will keep you in a positive mindset. Also, make sure you enjoy all aspects of baby time; I already miss some of those moments that have changed. For instance, now that I have been sleeping at night again for about 2 months, I do miss those quiet moments of rocking my baby in the middle of the night.

11.                     Hold hands.

Please, please take time to not only talk, but touch each other! Maybe you aren’t approved by your doctor or are not ready for sex again, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have any physical contact. Hold hands anywhere and everywhere you go! Cuddle. Give massages. Believe me, it WILL make a difference in your personal feelings towards your hubby!

12.                   Say something nice, constantly!

This can be hard to do when you are tired and/or frustrated. Seriously though, can’t you think of one thing that you could say that is nice about your significant other? Maybe it is just to thank them for going to work that day in order to provide for your new family!
Commit yourself to say at least 1 nice thing each day to your spouse! Hopefully, you will get some kudos from them in return! Now that would be the appreciation you deserve! 

So that is my advice as I reflect on my own experience with our first child. At the end of the day, you have to remember the two of you are playing on the same team, you are not opponents. I can tell you something about my marriage after 6 months of baby bliss (plus over 4 years of marriage), we are still together and we are still going strong!
 
What advice do you have that I didn’t think to add?

Beef & Corn Enchiladas

A family member recently made beef & corn enchiladas for us and after eating we knew we had to have the recipe! This meal has quickly become a hit at our household. I personally like it because with doubling the recipe I not only have our meal for the evening, but also several freezer ready meals for the next couple of times we choose to have this course! Below is my recipe. Beware, it is DELICIOUS!

Beef & Corn Enchilada Recipe

1 - 15 oz cans Old El Paso mild enchilada sauce
1 package of Colby jack cheese (2 lbs)
1 lb hamburger
1 - 15 oz can corn
Some onion for seasoning.
1 package of 8 burrito sized tortillas (I used Mission brand)

Preheat oven at 350°. Brown hamburger and onion in a skillet. Drain grease. Spray a 9x13 or 2 8x8 pans with cooking spray. Using large silverware spoons, put 2-3 scoops of hamburger in a tortilla, spoon in 1-2 scoops of enchilada sauce, spoon in a scoop of corn, and a handful of cheese. Roll up tortilla and place in pan. Continue process until all tortillas are filled. Put remaining sauce between and over the top of the tortillas. Sprinkle remaining cheese and beef (if any) on the top of the enchiladas. Put in oven for 20 minutes or until all cheese is melted.

You can serve with sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, and salsa if you like.

For a hotter version: you can substitute mild sauce for medium or hot, and cheese with Mexican or Taco blends.

My additional notes:

*I have one spoon for the hamburger bowl and 1 spoon for the enchilada sauce

*After browning the hamburger, I mix the corn in (saves a bowl and spoon) like so:

 

*I have known others to use 2 cans of enchilada sauce instead of 1, we prefer 1 can

*When spooning the remainder of the sauce onto made enchiladas, be sure to get all the sides. I have found if the edges are not moistened they tend to get crusty while baking.

*These enchiladas are very filling! Start with 1 and get more as you finish each one… our household has a tendency to get Waaay more food than they can eat!

*Double  the recipe and freeze the extras. This makes it an easy meal the next time you are craving this course. Below is a picture of the cooked enchiladas (on the left side) and the 2 containers I prepared for the freezer (on the right side). Before sticking the 2 containers in the freezer, we will vacuum seal them!

Enjoy!

12 Lessons Learned in 6 Months of Cloth Diapering

Yes, folks, you read right! I chose to cloth diaper our firstborn child. Although I have momentarily regretted this decision at times, at the end of the day it was the right choice for our family!

As I reflect on the last 6 months of cloth diapering, I can’t help but ask myself the following questions:

What is something you wish you had known when you started cloth diapering? What are some things you have learned along the way?

Thus, I decided to share with you the answers I have to these questions! Cloth diapering used to be the norm until disposable diapers were created in 1946 by Marion Donovan. Cloth diapering has come a LONG ways though. I think about what the cloth diapers looked like when my husband was diapered back in the 80’s and can’t believe how that process has changed today! Now, there are many different types of cloth diapers and a person has to know the names of liners, covers, prefolds, fitteds, AIO’s (All In One), etc. Here is the advice I have to guide you through the world of cloth diapering your little one(s):

1)      Give yourself time to learn.

 There is definitely a learning curve of deciding if this is right for you, weeding out what is wrong for you (that may come first), a washing routine that works, and what diapers and liners work when.

2)      Refrain from giving up.

As stated already, there is a learning curve! At some point, you WILL want to give up. You WILL be overwhelmed, not just with cloth diapering but learning how to be a parent. The feelings of being overwhelmed and having just too much on your plate will come and go in the beginning. I can promise you this- You are not the only one to have felt this way and it WILL get better.

3)      Find a support group.

My family had never done cloth diapers. My in-laws chose not to do cloth diapers with our 9 nieces and nephews. I had support from all of them, but they didn’t have the advice and support I needed from someone who understood what cloth diapering today looks like. Find people who are currently cloth diapering or have recently.

I found 2 support groups on Facebook. One, local to my area, was a great way to buy pre-loved diapers. The other group was a cloth diaper support group and I learned a ton just by reading questions people had and the advice given. This prepared me for challenges that I didn’t even know would come up, such as how to strip a diaper (I used a few drops of dawn and a bit of vinegar, soak for 2 hours) when they start to repel urine.

4)      Washing and preparing cloth diapers doesn't have to be as complicated as a lot of people make it out to be.

If you choose to join support groups via social networking, you will see a lot of questions about the wash routine (what works, what doesn’t, soaps, stripping, etc). Be patient with yourself, there is a routine that will work for you but may not work for someone else! I personally have found that you should stick to a wash routine for at least a week before you decide if it works. Sometimes, switching routine regularly could actually be the problem. This case seems to be especially true if you keep changing the soaps you are using.

5)      Don’t confuse support groups with doctors and your gut feeling.

Support groups can sometimes inundate you with advice. Everyone really does want to help and will give you their best insight. This said, we must all keep in mind that support groups are NOT doctors. More importantly, if your gut is telling you something else, you are probably on to something. Just  because you are new to cloth diapering doesn’t mean you know nothing. Follow your gut and use  doctors when necessary.

A specific instance I am thinking of is that someone posted a picture of a rash on their child’s bottom inquiring what the rash was. Majority said yeast infection and gave advice to cure. A few people said Staph Infection and take child to doctor immediately. In this case, the child had Staff infection. Everyone in that conversation meant well, but honestly, even the pros don’t always know the answer! You ultimately have to decide.

6)      Cloth diapering is much easier than it appears to be when you start researching it on the internet.

I am repeatedly using the word overwhelming, because CLOTH DIAPERING IS OVERWHELMING. I remember sitting at the computer researching all the types of cloth diapers and thinking, “I am not going to survive this.” All the information is hard to take in. Give yourself time. Watch YouTube videos on other people’s daily routines. Educate yourself on the types of cloth diapers and lingo that everyone in your support group uses. Start watching support group questions and answers to get some insight to cloth diapering.

7)      Make a plan and plan to stick to it.

The best advice I have is to create a visualization for yourself on what you think a typical day (or week) of cloth diapering will look like for you. Decide on what diapers you will use and be trying. Maybe this means you will rent diapers from a local company until you know what works. Maybe you will just buy some diapers and pray for the best (I took this route and it worked GREAT). Be prepared for your idea of a regular routine to not entirely match reality (such as you may have to wash diapers every 2 days instead of every 3), but this will help you to feel prepared to start diapering.

The biggest dilemma (or argument) you will see on support groups is the question of having those tempting disposables around. I think only you can answer this. We had them around for times when rashes were so bad that ointments that weren’t cloth friendly needed to be used. We also didn’t plan well in the beginning and would run out of cloth diapers while washing all the dirty ones. I was comforted knowing I had them to fall back on but others think if you have them you will always turn to them first.

What would you do if you had a pile of cloth and disposable diapers to choose from? Decide your plan based on that answer.

8)      You can change your mind about which diapers work.

Sometimes, a diaper will work for a short period of time and then you decide you don’t love it. I had a cover that I absolutely loved and then my little one had a slight growth spurt and it instantly didn’t seem to work as well for me. That is OKAY. The good news is, unlike disposables, cloth diapers hold their value very well. You can always sell anything that doesn’t work and buy something else.

9)      Cloth diapering is very addicting. Plan for this.

I consider myself to be extremely frugal, yet I fell into this trap. Be aware that even looking at cloth diapers that are for sell may make you begin to want, want, want! There are so many cute designs out there! You may also want to stock up on the style and brand of diapers that work for you. Just remember, what works for you right now may not be what works for you in 2 weeks!

My advice is to set a budget and make sure you are disciplined to stay within that budget. If you struggle sticking to a budget, you may want to make sure you stay away from sites that are selling diapers all together. My biggest downfall was the cloth diaper swap sites on Facebook. There are constantly amazing bargains on there, but keep in mind that several cheaply priced diapers will add up quickly!

10)   Even using a few cloth diapers each day can save you $MONEY$.

If you end up deciding you don’t want to go full force with using cloth diapers, consider using even a few diapers a day. For instance, there are some people who use cloth only at night. Even 2-4 diapers a night saves 14-28 disposable diapers a week. This could save anywhere from $3-10 a week, depending on the diapers you use. Every little bit helps!

11)  Consider using cloth wipes.

I didn’t start using cloth wipes until our little one was about 3 months old. Boy, do I wish I had done it sooner. This is the easiest thing and you wash the wipes right with your cloth diapers! You can purchase wipes or make your own. My husband (God bless him) is the sewer in our house. We cut up a small, cotton blanket and he sewed just along all 4 sides to keep the material from fraying. But an even easier solution we did was cut up an old pair of polyester Old Navy pajama pants that I had into small squares. This material didn’t require any sewing and I have had 0 problems with fraying in the 6 months we have been using them.

If you search the internet, you can find thousands of recipes for a wipe solution. I was switching my solution recipe so much in search of the “perfect” fit that I think I caused more harm (in terms of rashes) than I did good. Now, my solution consists of water and a drop of tea tree oil. It doesn’t get much easier than that my friends!

12)  Making items for your baby is easier than you think and can save you even more $MONEY$.

There are several items in my collection of cloth diapers that are homemade. I just discussed the cloth wipes, all that I use are homemade. My mother-in-law stayed with us for a few weeks when I went back to work to give us two extra weeks of no daycare (God bless her) and she came up with a great idea! She took old towels and cut them to preferred liner size and then sewing around the 4 corners to keep the towels from fraying. This was such a blessing! I use these in my pockets (just put right in the pocket) with an Alva bamboo liner and haven’t had a leak in months! Who would have thought?

My husband (he gets his sewing skills from his mom obviously) also bought some fleece material (cost less than $3) and sewed me 12 liners to use. These come in handy now when I am putting ointments that are not cloth friendly on our little one. I just put this liner between our little one and the cloth diaper to keep the cloth diaper from getting that ointment on it.

There you have it! This is what I wish I would have known prior to starting. By the end of 6 months of cloth diapering, I feel like an expert on diapering my daughter. Rest assured, I am fully confident you will as well when you get to this point.

For all you pros out there: What lessons learned advice do you have that I missed?