Spender Versus Saver

This picture was created by Dave Ramsey and posted through his Facebook. If you have not heard of Dave Ramsey, he is the guru in personal finance and living a life debt-free. See his website here.

This quote speaks nothing but the truth for our marriage. I am here to tell you this doesn’t have to be a difference that couples fight over regularly! My husband and I have found harmony in accepting who is the spender (my husband) and who is the saver (me) and allocating money to satisfy both each month.  I wanted to discuss some of the uniqueness these differences have brought to our lives and the balance we try to make.

     1.       Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance- This one is easy to say but really hard to do. First, we both have to fully acknowledge which one we are (spender or saver) and then accept that our significant other is the opposite. Then, we have to be OKAY with that! Let me tell you, trying to change the other one rarely works!

If nothing else, find a way to laugh about your differences! My husband and I love to tease each other about on this topic. For instance, I have a tendency to make jokes about my husband’s “shopping sprees,” while he teases me about, “being so tight with money, we can’t buy toilet paper.” Both untrue statements (or are they?).

2.       The budget- With a saver and a spender, one person wants to see money go into shopping (can we say, “hello Cabela’s”) and the other wants a good chunk of change to go into savings. Both can win! At the beginning of each month, as you set your budget, make sure you are both getting some money into each of these categories. I have personally found that putting a special amount set aside for my husband works the best. We call it his “allowance.” Regardless, he is free to spend this allocated money any way that he wants and I am not to gripe about it!

3.       Major expenditures- Outside of my husband getting an “allowance” and being able to spend that money on anything he wants, all other expenditures need to be okayed by the other person. This just helps us to check and balance each other as we go through each month.

4.       Grocery shopping- When my husband (the spender) goes grocery shopping, even with a list in hand, he has a tendency to spend waaay more than our usual bi-weekly amount  ($100). Therefore, if at all possible, I try to do the grocery shopping. I stick to the list and keep our monthly budget where it needs to be. Although, occasionally letting him go shopping generally means a special treat for our household (yes, I do love me some oreos… or any chocolate)!

5.       Meals- We have found the spender always wants to eat dinner at restaurants (fast food or sit-down, he isn’t picky as long as we are out). The saver has a tendency to want to eat more meals at home. How do we balance? With trying to pay off debt (read about here) we are much more likely to eat at home. Each month we make a monthly menu at our house to help with planning for meals. We are sure to schedule in times to eat at restaurants a few times each month (typically 2 meals/month) to please the spender. I also try to have more foods that my hubby enjoys such as hamburgers, corndogs, hotdogs, macaroni and cheese… you know, the stuff he is getting at fast-food restaurants! HA!

 As I am looking over my title again, I realize again how easy it is for finances to be a fight. This isn’t really about spender vs. saver! Remember, you and your significant other are on the SAME team. The journey shouldn’t be about you versus him (or her), it should be about the two of you working together towards the same goals! For us, those goals include making our budget balance each month, someone getting spending money, someone putting money into savings, and paying our DEBT off. 

Are you the spender or the saver?

Debt-Free? OR Debt-Free!

Let’s talk money, money, money. More specifically, let’s talk about my debt. By the way, does my picture and title of this post confuse you?

In a way, it is meant to be confusing. Of course, I know my answer to this question but the answer may truly depend on who is giving the answer.

The personal debt that my husband and I have left to pay off is our mortgage. Yes, that is right, just our mortgage! We do have some business debt (house rental) that pays for itself (through a long-term renter) and is therefore a debt we do not count under personal debt. 

I have read many, many blogs where individuals claim to be debt-free despite still having a mortgage. I don’t think like that. Our house is currently owned by our bank and we have a loan to pay for it. Therefore, we are still in debt. For the time being at least.

We currently owe $63,000 on the house. We hope to pay this 30 year loan (26 years left on the loan) within the next 7 years. We are asking YOU to join us on our journey!

I am hoping to write several posts about how my family lives frugally and has paid off all of our past debt. Let me start by explaining to you how we have gotten into debt and what has been paid off. Then, look for more posts to follow giving tips and tricks we have learned (the hard way at times) to pay off debt quickly! 

Before I begin with our details, it is important that I point out that neither of us have family (or anyone else) financially supporting us. We do not make tons of money. We work hard to live on much less than we make and use the extra money to pay off debt as quickly as possible. We have watched family members who have filed bankruptcy and we have also watched family members come from nothing to making big-time money. We have learned from both.

Our Debt Acquired (currently paid off):

·     Student loans: I have a master’s degree and my husband has an associate’s degree.

·     Vehicles: I drive a Buick Regal (only a few years old). My husband drives a Chevy Silverado (about 6 years old). 

·     House renovations: Since moving into our house we have completed 2 major renovations and 1 minor (could be considered major, depending on how you look at it), all of which we saved up for and paid cash straight out. This included building an attached 2 car garage, adding a patio to our backyard, and a kitchen renovation. 

·     House modifications: When we moved in the windows needed replaced; which we did immediately. The first summer here, we unfortunately needed a new air conditioner as well! We saved up and planned for the windows but the air conditioner was a “surprise” that we had to use money from our emergency savings fund.

Our Current Debt:

·     Mortgage on our house: Loan was taken out in 2009 for $82,000 and we have $62,000 left.

Our Savings:

·     Having money to fall back on in case an emergency does occur is very important to us. For this reason, we have enough funds to live off of for 6 months if a crisis did occur (we pray one never does). 

Our Never’s:

·     Credit card debt: We have never had credit card debt. We have always paid off our cards each and every month. Have you seen those interest rates?!?!

This may not seem like a ton of debt, but we are both in our 20’s. That seems like pretty extensive money stuff (debt paid off and current debt) for our age.

What debt did you (or do you currently) aquire in your 20’s?

How To Not End Up Divorced In The First 6 Months Of Your Child's Life

It’s so exciting to reach the 6 month mark with your little one, but it is also a pivotal point where you reflect on what has occurred (both good and bad) in the last 6 months! Thus, several posts may be popping up on the lessons I have learned (see cloth diapering post here).

Let me start by being brutally honest when it comes to the first 6 months of your first child’s life and your marriage, both will have CHALLENGING MOMENTS!  During these times, I am sure at least one of us thought about the D-word (divorce) although neither of us ever said it. I know that I had many moments where I kept thinking, “I can’t do this.” But do this, I did.

Maybe you are reading this and you didn’t experience any conflict with your spouse, if so, please share your insight with me! For all the rest of us out there, you have been warned, conflict WILL occur! 

NOTE: As you read my tips, you may feel like this post is more about YOU than about your marriage. I have learned that, in most cases, we need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves in order to take better care of our relationships (see here as well)! 


So, without further ado, here are some tips that I have found that may help you during this time:

.   Realize you are not alone. It takes TWO!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You will not be the only one thinking your marriage is being challenged. In fact, you will probably be thinking every aspect of your life is being challenged during the first six months of your little one’s life. This includes finances, sleep, eating routine, household chores, showering, friends/family time, need I go on?!?!?
As I go through challenging moments with my relationship as we learn to raise a child, I can’t help but think of the movie: Save the Last Dance. Do you know what I am talking about?!?!? Well, there is a scene where Kenny and Chenille (teen parents together) are talking and it goes like this:
Kenny: “Don't blame me; I didn't want any of this!”
Chenille: “What? 'Cause I did? I climbed on top of myself and got myself pregnant?”
When I get frustrated, I always laugh as I think about this scene. Reminder: It took the BOTH of you to create this child.
Please keep in mind it is normal to experience stress (marital or any other kind) during this time. Also, I had to remind myself that, just as I was stressed so was my husband. His reasons for stress and what stress looks like for him have a tendency to look very different than my reasons.

2. Realize you BOTH are running on ZERO Energy Levels.

Maybe it is just me, but I had a tendency to say things like, “well I have been up all night so I shouldn’t have to (FILL IN THE BLANK).” It took me awhile to realize that just because I was getting up all night with our little one didn’t mean my husband was getting quality sleep. In fact, I noticed him many times tossing and turning. He also woke up most of the times that I got up. He just got the luxury of staying in the nice warm bed!

In his defense, he also was maintaining a full-time job with our newborn while I enjoyed the luxury of getting a little more than 12 weeks at home to adjust. Again, bear in mind, you both are most likely having the same feelings for different reasons!

3. You BOTH also had a shock to the system.

Let’s face it, no matter how much you know that you won’t be getting very much sleep you CANNOT prepare for the shock to the system that your body will go through when your child is born. Think about the last all-nighter you pulled and multiply that by a few months, without the sleeping all day on the couch to make up for it! Yep, you got it! Not to mention, you are at someone’s beck and call. This can be especially challenging for both parents! Give yourself some slack, you are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask of you!

4.   Sleep is a good thing.

This is common sense, I think?!?! Actually sleeping is much trickier to do in this situation. Babies have their own schedule and pay little to no attention to the social norms of day/night schedules.

If you are like me, when you do get a window to sleep, you will have trouble shutting your mind down. List after list will be created during quiet, free moments. If you are like my husband, you will get so used to a “stay awake always” routine that you can’t fall asleep.

I must say that getting some extra sleep makes a huge difference. If someone is willing to get up with your little for one night, TAKE it! Even if you end up getting up, like I typically did, I found that I slept so much better just knowing everything didn’t fall on my shoulders! So go lay down with your hubby for a bit, even just a “rest” can help you feel better prepared to take on that next diaper change!

When you don’t have the extra help, find a balancing system for both of you to have time to sleep. This may mean one of you naps more during the day while the other one gets the luxury of a full nights sleep!

5. Making time to be together 1:1 is a great thing!

Okay, I admit it, I started going to bed at the same time our little one went to bed. That was typically between 7:30 and 8:30PM, but by that time I was EXHAUSTED. Plus, she normally was back up between 2 and 4AM. Therefore, I felt justified. After about a week of this, I realized I wasn’t really seeing my husband at all. 

I know I just said sleep is a good thing, but spending time with your significant other, just the two of you, is also essential. You are going to have to make priorities and some nights, sleep just has to come second! What about doing something special together for even a half hour after your little one goes to bed? My husband and I sometimes have a glass of wine together and just talk for a few minutes.

6. Write down what you love about your significant other.

Think about and write down what attracted you to your significant other. Also, write down what they are really good at when they are with your new child. Now, put this where you can see it every day! Look at it every day. Read it every day! It will help you to keep a positive perspective on your significant other.

7.  Change Environments Regularly.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but I can tell you that it becomes way too easy to NOT leave the house. My husband took 3 weeks FMLA leave when our little one was born while I took just over 3 months FMLA leave. This time flew by and we spent probably 90% of the time at home. That is a long period of time at home!

Boredom, stir-craziness, depression are just a few effects on a human body that can be caused by sitting in one spot for too long. Get up and move around. Take your baby outside, go get groceries, drive around for a few minutes. Make sure you are changing your environment together! I found that even opening the curtains and windows for a few minutes each day, turning of the television, and playing music for my little one was also a good, quick change of scenery we all enjoyed. 

9.                        Find good family moments.

In the chaos of all the emotions you and your hubby will be feeling, there are soooo many GOOD moments! Take time to note these special moments. For me, the best moments were when we were all (my husband, dogs, baby, and I) together having tummy time with baby on the floor. Such sweet moments! Enjoy those moments wholeheartedly. DON’T think about anything else. Just focus on these special times.

10.                  Remember those family moments frequently.

See 9. Keep those moments in your mind all the time! Think about them constantly! It will keep you in a positive mindset. Also, make sure you enjoy all aspects of baby time; I already miss some of those moments that have changed. For instance, now that I have been sleeping at night again for about 2 months, I do miss those quiet moments of rocking my baby in the middle of the night.

11.                     Hold hands.

Please, please take time to not only talk, but touch each other! Maybe you aren’t approved by your doctor or are not ready for sex again, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have any physical contact. Hold hands anywhere and everywhere you go! Cuddle. Give massages. Believe me, it WILL make a difference in your personal feelings towards your hubby!

12.                   Say something nice, constantly!

This can be hard to do when you are tired and/or frustrated. Seriously though, can’t you think of one thing that you could say that is nice about your significant other? Maybe it is just to thank them for going to work that day in order to provide for your new family!
Commit yourself to say at least 1 nice thing each day to your spouse! Hopefully, you will get some kudos from them in return! Now that would be the appreciation you deserve! 

So that is my advice as I reflect on my own experience with our first child. At the end of the day, you have to remember the two of you are playing on the same team, you are not opponents. I can tell you something about my marriage after 6 months of baby bliss (plus over 4 years of marriage), we are still together and we are still going strong!
 
What advice do you have that I didn’t think to add?